Creating Safe Spaces for Grief: Honoring Raw Emotions in Personal and Collective Grief
Grief Needs Spaces to Be Raw
As a griever and grief therapist, I resonate with the quote, “I am not here to fix every broken thing. Some things just need a soft place to land” (Anonymous). In grief therapy, I hold space for people to speak about their person and their grief in ways they cannot anywhere else. They share the deep pain, anger, and loneliness that feel difficult to express with friends, family, or colleagues. In grief therapy, this is the one space where grievers do not have to soften their grief.
Grief is rarely so freely expressed outside of therapy. In everyday life, people often feel the pressure to hold back their grief rather than fully express them as they really are. This is because friends, families and others often rush to tidy emotions, intending to be supportive. The truth is, not every moment of sadness needs to be fixed or “cured.” What if we simply witnessed grief? (Bella Grace, Autumn 2025). For many grievers, their grief often has to be edited before it is fully seen by others, making the rawest forms invisible.
There have been moments where I have filtered my own grief and felt the pressure to put a positive reframe on it. It sometimes felt safer to do this, than to risk someone inserting a positive reframe of their own. My raw emotions often get polished or balanced before they are shared when a sense of emotional safety is missing.
These personal experiences, have deepened my understanding of why safely held, attuned spaces matter so much in grief, whether it is death loss or non-death loss. Grief needs spaces where the raw, messy, and sometimes contradictory truths of loss can exist alongside care and presence. As Megan Devine writes, “It seems counterintuitive, but the way to truly be helpful to someone in their pain is to let them have their pain. Let them share the reality of how much this hurts, how hard this is, without jumping in to clean it up, make it smaller, or make it go away.”
In the wake of the school shooting at Tumbler Ridge, BC, the grief and trauma impact rippled across families, classrooms, workplaces, and the wider community. In the early days, people gather, cry together, share memories, and lean into collective support. But grief continues beyond these initial moments, and it often needs ongoing spaces where it can be spoken honestly, without being softened to feel more comfortable for others. It is important to have safe spaces not only in the immediate aftermath, but in the weeks, months, and years that follow.
The Protective Parts That Soften Grief for Others
From an Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy perspective, grief softening is often what protective parts inside us do. These parts manage emotional risk, protect vulnerability, and maintain connection with others. It prevents us from having to feel judged, shamed or rejected.
Some parts speak hopeful or balanced perspectives first, so others feel less need to reframe our grief to sound more positive.
Some parts hide emotions, guarding against judgment.
These protectors are thoughtful, wise, and deeply caring. They may act to prevent someone from feeling dismissed, avoid toxic positivity or reframing, or shield us from the vulnerability of being fully seen in pain. They step forward with the knowledge that grief presented in a softer way may feel more acceptable to others. These parts are not obstacles — they are trying to prevent additional hurt. Recognizing them allows the deeper, unfiltered parts of grief to be witnessed safely, both individually and in collective spaces.
Many grievers edit their grief depending on the listener. They may hold back emotions that feel messy, balance sadness with hope out of the pressure to do so, or worry about being a burden. When grief is filtered to feel safer for others, it is difficult to receive the support grievers really need. My hope is that this blog will encourage us as a community to reflect on the question, “How do we each play a role in contributing to safe grief spaces?”
How Do I Support a Griever? Creating Safe Spaces for Grief to Exist in its Rawest Form
It can feel tempting to want to offer reassurance, perspective, or meaning when someone is grieving. Yet often, the most supportive response is presence, empathy, and acceptance of another’s grief. Simple responses can communicate deep understanding:
“I’m here with you.”
“That sounds incredibly heavy.”
“You don’t have to make this sound okay.”
“You don’t have to hold back.”
“I’m willing to listen for as long as you need.”
“I care about you. You don’t have to talk, but you don’t have to be alone.”
“I’m here if you want company or quiet.”
“It is okay to not be strong”
These responses allow grief to safely exist and help protective parts feel safe enough to step back, making room for deeper emotions to be witnessed. As Parm K.C shares, “The most vulnerable thing I can do is show you my pain. The most loving thing you can do is to not look away.” Looking away can sometimes show up as rushing to take someone’s pain away. Looking at someone’s pain can look like giving them room to show you the horrors and devastation of their grief in its realest form.
Letting someone cry and not feel like they have to wipe their tears away quickly can be the biggest gift you give to a griever in your life.
The Relief of a Safe Space
Grief reflects love, continuing bonds with the person who died, and the lifelong impact of significant relationships, even after death. Grief needs permission to be complex, nonlinear, and deeply human. When grief is given permission to exist without being softened, it can feel less isolating, even when the pain itself is still present. When there is collective grief, collective safe spaces need to exist. When safe grief spaces exist, relief is felt. Being able to feel the relief of expressing one’s grief fully helps ease a little of the heaviness that grievers carry with them for a lifetime. When we bear grief together with grievers, we are supporting grievers in feeling seen, heard, understood, felt, cared for and most importantly, less alone.
What does Grief Therapy Feel Like?
As a grief therapist in BC, this is the space I strive to offer in every session — a space where grief can be fully honored, and where every part of your experience is held with care and curiosity. In grief therapy, clients experience the relief of having a space where they do not have to filter their grief for someone else. They do not have to anticipate platitudes or positive reframes. In grief therapy, we sit with the painful reality of loss and acknowledge it for what it really is.
Therapy can provide a space where protective parts feel safe to step back and allow Self to lead, where grief can be processed and honoured at its own pace. In these spaces, the raw, messy, truths of grief are met with presence and compassion, without judgment. Noticing how protective parts show up in my own life around others reinforces how valuable it is to simply witness grief, without having to fix or change it. In grief therapy, clients can be with the depth of their emotions, feel less alone, and allow their parts to feel heard without needing to soften their pain for the world.
My hope is that, one day, there are more spaces in communities where grievers can be held in their truth — without therapy being the only or one of the few safe spaces.
If you are carrying grief and notice parts of you working hard to make your pain easier for others to hold, you are not alone. Therapy can provide a space where all parts of your grief are welcome, including the messy, contradictory, or overwhelming ones.
At Anchored Hearts Counselling and Grief Therapy, we support individuals navigating loss, traumatic grief, and complex grief experiences. Together, we create a space where grief does not need to be filtered or rushed, and where each part of your experience can be approached with curiosity, respect, and care.
If this resonates with you, we invite you to reach out to learn more about grief therapy with us.
References:
https://www.instagram.com/p/DUVJAeADGEi/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link&igsh=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==
Bella Grace Autumn 2025 Magazine
