When You Don't Feel Good Enough: How IFS Therapy can Help

What if the parts of you that people-please, worry about what could go wrong, or criticize you aren't bad, but are actually trying to protect you from being hurt again?

When I was younger, I went through a painful experience that left me feeling as though parts of who I was were not likeable.

For years, I found it difficult to fully be myself around others, except with people I felt fully accepted by.

Through Internal Family Systems therapy, or IFS, I began to understand that I had a protective part that felt pressure to always be likeable.

It had learned to hide qualities it worried others might reject, all while trying to protect a younger part of me that had experienced rejection before.

Understanding this opened the door to relating to myself differently.

As a therapist, and through my own experience, I have come to recognize that we may know logically that we are good enough, yet still struggle to truly believe it in our hearts.

Parts of us can work incredibly hard to avoid rejection, failure, embarrassment, or disappointment.

These protective parts can be a little like guards standing watch, trying to keep younger, more vulnerable parts from experiencing the same pain again.

If you have watched Inside Out, you might imagine one of these parts taking over the control panel. Its intentions may be protective, even when its strategies create difficulties in our lives.

A people-pleasing part, for example, may find it difficult to say no because saying yes once helped it feel safer or more accepted.

In adulthood, that same strategy can lead to exhaustion, resentment, or losing touch with what we actually want.

Getting in Touch With Your Younger Parts

Perhaps when you were younger, painful or traumatic experiences with caregivers, family members, or peers left you feeling as though you did not matter, were not enough, or were somehow inadequate. These experiences might have included abuse, neglect, rejection, or other relational wounds.

Sometimes it is not so much about what happened, but about what we needed and did not receive. Perhaps you lacked validation, emotional attunement, or the feeling of being valued simply for who you were.

As a child you may have heard, "You did such a good job," whenever you got good grades but longed to know that you were still loved and worthy even if you did not do well.

Experiences like these can shape the way we come to see ourselves. Younger parts of us may take on painful beliefs about our worth, lovability, or what we need to do in order to be accepted.

Gabor Maté describes attachment and authenticity as two important human needs. When being fully ourselves seems to threaten the relationships we depend on, especially as children, we may learn to prioritize connection over authenticity.

A younger part of us may come to believe, “If being myself could cost me closeness, love or acceptance, perhaps I need to hide parts of who I am.”

IFS refers to some of these more vulnerable parts as exiles. These younger parts may carry beliefs such as:

"I am not good enough."

"I need to be a certain way so people will accept me."

"There is something wrong with me."

Sometimes getting in touch with these younger parts can feel too scary or overwhelming. IFS does not ask us to go straight to these vulnerable places if our system does not feel ready. Instead, we can first get to know the protective parts that have been working hard to keep them safe.

As those protective parts begin to feel understood and trust that Self can take the lead, they may feel safe enough to step back, creating more space to connect with the younger parts underneath.

How IFS Understands the Parts That Protect Us

Protective parts develop strategies to keep younger, vulnerable parts from feeling the pain they once experienced.

A people-pleasing part might believe:

"If I become what other people need me to be, they will accept me."

A perfectionistic part might believe:

"If I do everything right, I will not have to feel like a failure."

An inner critic part might believe:

“If I criticize myself first, I can improve myself and avoid doing something that might embarrass me.”

Other protective parts may numb emotions, hide needs, anticipate what might go wrong, feel guilty when resting, or become afraid to hope because they are bracing for disappointment.

Becoming Curious About Our Parts

One of the things I appreciate about IFS is that it does not ask us to get rid of the parts we struggle with. It invites us to become curious about why they are there.

Instead of, "I need to stop people-pleasing," we might ask:

"What is this part afraid would happen if someone were disappointed in me?"

Instead of, "I hate how critical I am of myself," we might ask:

"What is my inner critic part trying to protect me from?"

Sometimes the answer takes us somewhere more vulnerable.

Beneath people-pleasing may be a younger part asking, "Will you still accept me if I disappoint you?"

Beneath perfectionism or self-criticism may be a part still asking, "Am I good enough?"

Moving From “What Is Wrong With Me?" to Curiosity

IFS describes the Self as the core of who we are, associated with qualities such as curiosity, compassion, calmness, and clarity.

When we approach our parts from Self, with curiosity, compassion, and open-heartedness, something can begin to shift.

Instead of feeling frustrated with an inner critic, we can become curious about what it is trying to protect. Instead of pushing away a younger part that feels inadequate, we can ask what it needed when it was hurt.

Perhaps it needed to know that it could be imperfect and still be worthy. Perhaps it needed to feel seen or to know that its worth did not depend on achievement.

We may know logically that we are good enough, yet our younger parts might have difficulty taking those words in.

Through my own experience with IFS, I learned that change was not simply about convincing myself that I was loveable. It was about befriending the protective parts that had learned to hide certain qualities of my younger self.

As those parts began to trust me more, they could step back enough for me to connect with what they had been protecting.

Perhaps we can begin by asking:

"What is this part trying to protect me from?"

"What does it need from me now?"

I invite you to consider what it might be like to meet the parts of yourself with curiosity and an open heart.

IFS Therapy in Port Coquitlam, Coquitlam and BC

If you are struggling with the impact of grief and loss, relational trauma, family of origin hurts, feeling as though you are not good enough, finding it difficult to say no, or feeling guilty when you rest, IFS therapy can offer a compassionate way to understand the parts of you that are working hard to protect you.

If you are looking for IFS therapy in Coquitlam or anywhere in BC, you are welcome to reach out to learn more about IFS therapy with us.